I forgot I even had this.

I find it funny that coming back to this, finding it again as it were, much that I wrote before applies to me again. Only tiny variations, but they seem to apply again. I'm not quite as sad this go around, so I suppose that's a plus.

Perhaps I'll take this up again and try to be not so depressing.




Hello darkness, my old friend,
I've come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.
-Sound of Silence: Simon and Garfunkel

Some Poetry

Light of star or satellite be my friend and wish tonight,
Hear my deep and heartfelt plea to have my love returned to me.
She left without a word or tear bringing out my greatest fear
That after all I did for her there's nothing that I know for sure.


I'll probably write more later...

A long time...

It's been a while since I posted here. Since then I've gotten fired from the hell I used to work at. I've gotten a new job with a fantastic company and am finally making fairly OK money. Despite these upsides of my life I find I still have a hole in it. No matter what I think or try, I can never bring myself to tell certain people how I really feel about them. I know it sounds very immature, but I'm honestly terrified of losing them in my life.  I want to tell them everything, but I just can't do it. When I play Warhammer 40k, one of the many reasons I'm sure I'll die alone, I say to myself "Nothing Ventured, Nothing Gained" but I continue to fail to apply this to the real world where it actually matters. Oh well. I'll paint my toy soldiers and live a life of single solitude, forever cursed to walk the waking world with only my shadow as companion.


That got pretty poetic there, also super emo. Also true though.





Oh I do believe 
In all the things you see 
What comes is better than what came before -Velvet Underground

Darkness.
Slow, Rhythmic breathing next to me.
Eyes open or closed, no difference.
Warmth beside me.
A Gentle caress down my face.
Lips like a blanket to a bed; Needed.
Curious hands; Fingertips brushing.
Exploration.
Rising, Intoxicating Heat.
Eyes Adapt.
Calming curves in moonlight.
Eyes.

Darkness again.
Serene, Empty Silence around me.
Cold.
Falling, disheartening Chills.
Nothing

Things learned in a year past

I've learned a lot about myself this past year. I've learned that despite the appearance of a relationship being happy from the inside, looking in from the outside will often prove contrary. I've learned that people crave safety in relationships, even if that means they'll be unhappy; as long as they're in a relationship they believe themselves to be happy despite the opposite being true. I've learned that I am wrong about myself often; I thought I could be happy outside of a relationship, that I didn't need someone else to make me happy. But anything I do for myself seems empty and meaningless without someone else to share it with. I've learned on long, cold, sleepless nights that a comforter can only do so much, and that someone quietly dreaming next to you will do so much more. I've learned the holidays are the worst time of the year to be alone. I've learned that if I could have nothing else, I'd want it to be someone to make me happy and to reciprocate for. I also fear I've learned that this is not something that will happen for me. I've tried to come to terms with the fact that I seem to be unlovable in anyway past simple friendship. I've also learned that anything that seems to pass from that realm of friendship into something more is short-lived, and doomed to an ignominious, scaring demise. I wish I could simply become a mindless drone in the cogs of society and go about my daily life with no hopes or aspirations of something better, the days blurring together until the day I stop being useful and pass into fading memory; a tool to be discarded with no feeling or emotion to cloud my purpose.

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose

I chose to feel in and you couldn't choose

I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news

From the house down the road from Real Love

Live through this, and you wont

Look

Back

There's one thing I want to say so I'll be brave

You were what I wanted

I gave what I gave

I'm not sorry I met you

I'm not sorry it's over

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

-Stars: You're Ex-Lover is Dead

A Change I need

I've been really depressed lately. I feel so alone. Sure I have my friends, but there's a hole in my heart that can't be filled by friendship. I realized it on New Years Eve. As the clock closed in on midnight I started to think about how I was once again going to ring in the new year without a special someone to share it with. All I could think back to was the last New Years I was happy. I honestly wish I had never been involved in that relationship. Before it I was unhappy but I could tolerate it, and I was excited about the thrill of dating and the challenges it posed. Now I just feel hollow inside. Anytime I sense a fraction of a percent of a chance that someone may be flirting with me I get all hopeful, which only leads me to more sadness. I just need to get out of this rut and find someone who really cares for me; someone who knows my faults and failures as a person and is willing to put up with me and help where I need it. I'm starting to feel like such a person doesn't actually exist. It seems like anyone I feel like I have a chance with I somehow mess things up. Perhaps I should just live a life of quiet solitude in the mountains somewhere away from everything. Perhaps not...I just don't know anymore

Just found out my Ex has a new boyfriend. It shocked me a little bit. I feel more alone then ever now.