Things I'm not good at

I've realized there are some things I'm just not good at.

School is one of those. I'm also fairly poor at drawing. I can do stick-figures, and some simple things don't look TOO terrible, but I'm not great.

I've also realized recently that I'm just horrible at starting conversations with women.

As sad as it is, I started an account on this website called "Okcupid".

It's a dating site.

And I suck at it.

I had hoped this would turn around my up-to-this-point shitty track record with the fairer gender.

As of this posting, I have had one person respond to a message I sent attempting to start a conversation, but I managed to dead-end the messaging like a pro. The only other person to respond I'm pretty sure was a robot attempting to hack into my computer, as after trying to talk to them on Yahoo messenger, the just were "typing" for like 10 minutes, so I freaked out and closed the convo. Next day the account on Okcupid was deleted.

I think I may just resign myself to a life of single-hood and just stop trying.

Would be less disappointment if I never expect anything to happen. Setting my sights low like this may seem pessimistic, but I don't really have anything left.

A Momentous Night

Tonight was fun.

Not the MOST fun I've had recently, but something I needed.

I felt like a very old man though. I ended up at this party a younger friend of mine was throwing. I brought some cigars and a bottle of Maker's 46, a quite wonderful bourbon. I hadn't seen this friend for a good long while so it was nice to catch up and smoke a cigar with him. Later in the evening I ended up sitting by the pool with ANOTHER old friend and ANOTHER cigar, sipping my bourbon and chatting idly by...until SHE showed up.

She of course being my latest ex. I had only run into her once this summer, and we didn't even speak. She ended up coming over and sitting down with us and talking with us.

This after totally ignoring me previous times we had encountered each other.

I really had hoped to not have to deal with this at all this summer.

I wanted that part of my life to be past me, but then here it is walking right up and sitting down. I NEED to not let my self get dragged back into that hell-hole I was living in for the past 8 months. I have to not regress. I fought so fucking hard to get myself past her.

I had planned on spending the rest of my life with her. I was fully content to do whatever it would take to make her happy. All I wanted was for her to my "Star" as Neil Gaiman might put it. I wanted my fairytale ending. I thought I had found it.

No point in dwelling on it now I guess. I have work in the morning. Maybe I'll forget it all happened, maybe I'm still tipsy and just type type typing away. Though even if I DO forget it I have written proof it happened and will only remind myself...

Fuck