Darkness.
Slow, Rhythmic breathing next to me.
Eyes open or closed, no difference.
Warmth beside me.
A Gentle caress down my face.
Lips like a blanket to a bed; Needed.
Curious hands; Fingertips brushing.
Exploration.
Rising, Intoxicating Heat.
Eyes Adapt.
Calming curves in moonlight.
Eyes.

Darkness again.
Serene, Empty Silence around me.
Cold.
Falling, disheartening Chills.
Nothing

Things learned in a year past

I've learned a lot about myself this past year. I've learned that despite the appearance of a relationship being happy from the inside, looking in from the outside will often prove contrary. I've learned that people crave safety in relationships, even if that means they'll be unhappy; as long as they're in a relationship they believe themselves to be happy despite the opposite being true. I've learned that I am wrong about myself often; I thought I could be happy outside of a relationship, that I didn't need someone else to make me happy. But anything I do for myself seems empty and meaningless without someone else to share it with. I've learned on long, cold, sleepless nights that a comforter can only do so much, and that someone quietly dreaming next to you will do so much more. I've learned the holidays are the worst time of the year to be alone. I've learned that if I could have nothing else, I'd want it to be someone to make me happy and to reciprocate for. I also fear I've learned that this is not something that will happen for me. I've tried to come to terms with the fact that I seem to be unlovable in anyway past simple friendship. I've also learned that anything that seems to pass from that realm of friendship into something more is short-lived, and doomed to an ignominious, scaring demise. I wish I could simply become a mindless drone in the cogs of society and go about my daily life with no hopes or aspirations of something better, the days blurring together until the day I stop being useful and pass into fading memory; a tool to be discarded with no feeling or emotion to cloud my purpose.

It's nothing but time and a face that you lose

I chose to feel in and you couldn't choose

I'll write you a postcard, I'll send you the news

From the house down the road from Real Love

Live through this, and you wont

Look

Back

There's one thing I want to say so I'll be brave

You were what I wanted

I gave what I gave

I'm not sorry I met you

I'm not sorry it's over

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save

I'm not sorry there's nothing to save...

-Stars: You're Ex-Lover is Dead

A Change I need

I've been really depressed lately. I feel so alone. Sure I have my friends, but there's a hole in my heart that can't be filled by friendship. I realized it on New Years Eve. As the clock closed in on midnight I started to think about how I was once again going to ring in the new year without a special someone to share it with. All I could think back to was the last New Years I was happy. I honestly wish I had never been involved in that relationship. Before it I was unhappy but I could tolerate it, and I was excited about the thrill of dating and the challenges it posed. Now I just feel hollow inside. Anytime I sense a fraction of a percent of a chance that someone may be flirting with me I get all hopeful, which only leads me to more sadness. I just need to get out of this rut and find someone who really cares for me; someone who knows my faults and failures as a person and is willing to put up with me and help where I need it. I'm starting to feel like such a person doesn't actually exist. It seems like anyone I feel like I have a chance with I somehow mess things up. Perhaps I should just live a life of quiet solitude in the mountains somewhere away from everything. Perhaps not...I just don't know anymore

Just found out my Ex has a new boyfriend. It shocked me a little bit. I feel more alone then ever now.

Hurp de Durp

So I haven't written in this for a while. I don't feel too bad about it, as I'm rather boring anyway. I got fired a little while ago from that hellhole. Apparently I "Left some crumbs and a straw wrapper on the floor" and this was enough to get written up and fired. So fuck them. I've got an interview at Fry's Electronics tomorrow. Here's hoping that goes well. Other than that everything is pretty much the same. STILL have not heard anything from that girl on OkCupid. Fairly certain I wont again, but such is my life. I've got a whopping 12 bucks in my checking account. WHOO.


That's about it.

I'm super boring, I know.

Blugh

For anyone who reads this, I apologize.

I have recently been a bit whiny, and I'm sorry. Things recently have just really gotten too much for me and I kinda snapped.

My job is terribly shitty and unsatisfying. I don't get paid anywhere nearly enough.

My Mother recently broke her shoulder in three places and I've had to take over all of her responsibilities at home.

I feel totally and utterly burned out about school.

Despite numerous women telling me "I'm such a wonderful person" or I'm "Such a great guy", I am absolutely unappealing it would seem as a boyfriend.

Many people whom I used to count as friends have turned into very bitchy individuals since going to college.

It just got too much for me. I'm sorry.

Alone on a Bicycle for two

Things are not so good.

I still have a shitty job. There are days when I contemplate driving into the wall of the store rather than go in. I never do, but maybe that's just a sign of being weak-willed.

I've been single over a year now. I hardly noticed that the day had come up. I suppose that's a good sign, that I've moved on enough to not be affected by a date like that. There are still some days, usually before bed, where I lay in bed and feel like dying I miss her so much. I know I shouldn't, that the relationship I was in wasn't good for me, but I was happy goddammit. It was the one time in my life I've really felt like every thing was actually going my way for once. I've not felt it since. I thought things were looking up a few months back, but as usual I got my hopes up. One would think I would have learned by now not to do that. I guess old habits die hard, but I think this is one habit I've finally killed. I've been talking back and forth with this girl online, but I'm sure nothing will come of it; Nothing ever does, so there is no point in wishing it to.

I tried applying for a different job. It would have been my dream job. I'd get to work with fantastic people, great customers, an amazing discount on my hobby. It would have finally made something in my life be good. My friend got it. I've applied for a few others but probably wont hear anything.

My Mom also broke her shoulder recently in addition to getting 2nd degree burns on her left leg. This had needless to say made life at home so much better. It's hard to type sarcasm but I hope you got that. Not that anyone really reads this though, so I suppose it doesn't make much difference. I really wonder what the point is sometimes.