Just found out my Ex has a new boyfriend. It shocked me a little bit. I feel more alone then ever now.

Hurp de Durp

So I haven't written in this for a while. I don't feel too bad about it, as I'm rather boring anyway. I got fired a little while ago from that hellhole. Apparently I "Left some crumbs and a straw wrapper on the floor" and this was enough to get written up and fired. So fuck them. I've got an interview at Fry's Electronics tomorrow. Here's hoping that goes well. Other than that everything is pretty much the same. STILL have not heard anything from that girl on OkCupid. Fairly certain I wont again, but such is my life. I've got a whopping 12 bucks in my checking account. WHOO.


That's about it.

I'm super boring, I know.

Blugh

For anyone who reads this, I apologize.

I have recently been a bit whiny, and I'm sorry. Things recently have just really gotten too much for me and I kinda snapped.

My job is terribly shitty and unsatisfying. I don't get paid anywhere nearly enough.

My Mother recently broke her shoulder in three places and I've had to take over all of her responsibilities at home.

I feel totally and utterly burned out about school.

Despite numerous women telling me "I'm such a wonderful person" or I'm "Such a great guy", I am absolutely unappealing it would seem as a boyfriend.

Many people whom I used to count as friends have turned into very bitchy individuals since going to college.

It just got too much for me. I'm sorry.

Alone on a Bicycle for two

Things are not so good.

I still have a shitty job. There are days when I contemplate driving into the wall of the store rather than go in. I never do, but maybe that's just a sign of being weak-willed.

I've been single over a year now. I hardly noticed that the day had come up. I suppose that's a good sign, that I've moved on enough to not be affected by a date like that. There are still some days, usually before bed, where I lay in bed and feel like dying I miss her so much. I know I shouldn't, that the relationship I was in wasn't good for me, but I was happy goddammit. It was the one time in my life I've really felt like every thing was actually going my way for once. I've not felt it since. I thought things were looking up a few months back, but as usual I got my hopes up. One would think I would have learned by now not to do that. I guess old habits die hard, but I think this is one habit I've finally killed. I've been talking back and forth with this girl online, but I'm sure nothing will come of it; Nothing ever does, so there is no point in wishing it to.

I tried applying for a different job. It would have been my dream job. I'd get to work with fantastic people, great customers, an amazing discount on my hobby. It would have finally made something in my life be good. My friend got it. I've applied for a few others but probably wont hear anything.

My Mom also broke her shoulder recently in addition to getting 2nd degree burns on her left leg. This had needless to say made life at home so much better. It's hard to type sarcasm but I hope you got that. Not that anyone really reads this though, so I suppose it doesn't make much difference. I really wonder what the point is sometimes.

Why?

I really feel like breaking right now. Nothing is going well for me. I thought things were looking up. I was talking to that pretty and really cool chick on that website, I had two job interviews from the same place. And now I have 2 weeks consecutive with no pay because my manager is a fucking cunt and suspended me because my pants had a small white stripe down the side of them. So I will have NO money to pay my bills on my next check it seems. I haven't heard from that chick for like 2 weeks. Heard nothing from that job. I just want to go walk of the edge of the world at this point. Not to mention I'm going to need to have my wisdom teeth taken out. THAT'LL be great. I'm just so sick of NOTHING going right for me. Ever.


ADDENDUM: I have realized that I have nothing to show for either my professional or my love life. I have no degree, I'm several years behind on any I SHOULD have, and I have never had a good relationship nor will I because I am repulsive, uninteresting, and terrible at talking to women.

A Great Idea

So I figured that since I haven't had an actual post about my life recently, I'd enlighten you all after a 2am Los run when I have an incredibly long day tomorrow. I'm so awesome!

So some potential good news for once.

I've actually talked with someone on that website I signed up for. So far as I can tell she isn't a robot, nor a man, so that's pretty good. Been messaging back and forth for about 2 weeks now, she seems pretty amazing and really digs my style, so who knows how that'll turn out. Fingers crossed though.

I also applied for a new job recently at Games Workshop. I really hope I get the job there because I just cannot stand it at Subway anymore. The pay would be better at GW, I'd probably get more hours than I do now, and I'd be surrounded by great people and get to do something I love.

That's really all that's happened. I lead a thrilling life I know.

Another bonus is that I get to see my friend today who's back home from Texas visiting the girl he just got back together with. I'm really happy for them. Something just wasn't right with the universe when they were broken up.

I suppose that's all for now. I'll probably go play some more Fallout 3 now till the wee hours in the morning and hate myself later...

A cold and wintry night

On a Winter night in the countryside, a small cottage sits wrapped in a blanket of freshly fallen snow and sparsely fenced by lightly dusted evergreens. Inside a man sits by the hearth quietly reading a tale of love and loss whilst the logs in the fireplace quietly mumble to each other in the language of flame. Snug in a sweater from days of his past he rests his weary head against the soft, broken-in leather of an old, familiar easy chair. At his feet, a dog; at his side, a liquid confidant the color of amber; and on his lips, a sigh for things once loved and forever lost. Here he rests with his book of woe and wonderment until the night recedes and the dawn draws near. Closing his book, draining his glass, and waking his pet he wanders off to await the embrace of his dreams.

Some Unwritten Letters

Dear ________,

I know you'll never know, but there are times when I miss you so very much. I think about all we had, and all we could have had. It makes me so sad sometimes I don't know what to do. I like to think that I've moved on and most of the time I have, but from time to time I look back and and just relapse. I hate myself for it, but I can't help it. I wish we could still talk how we used to, just the two of us for hours at a time, just talking about whatever came to our minds. I know I can probably never have that with you again, but I hope someday we can at least be friends again.

Dear _______,

I miss talking to you. I know I didn't get much of a chance to know you, and I know I wasn't really that close to you. But I feel like us talking helped you though hard times. I want to keep doing that, but I feel like you don't want me in your life anymore. I'm scared to say anything as the past couple of times I've tried to say anything to you I've gotten the cold shoulder. Oh well I guess, I'm used to this kind of thing by now.

Things I'm not good at

I've realized there are some things I'm just not good at.

School is one of those. I'm also fairly poor at drawing. I can do stick-figures, and some simple things don't look TOO terrible, but I'm not great.

I've also realized recently that I'm just horrible at starting conversations with women.

As sad as it is, I started an account on this website called "Okcupid".

It's a dating site.

And I suck at it.

I had hoped this would turn around my up-to-this-point shitty track record with the fairer gender.

As of this posting, I have had one person respond to a message I sent attempting to start a conversation, but I managed to dead-end the messaging like a pro. The only other person to respond I'm pretty sure was a robot attempting to hack into my computer, as after trying to talk to them on Yahoo messenger, the just were "typing" for like 10 minutes, so I freaked out and closed the convo. Next day the account on Okcupid was deleted.

I think I may just resign myself to a life of single-hood and just stop trying.

Would be less disappointment if I never expect anything to happen. Setting my sights low like this may seem pessimistic, but I don't really have anything left.

A Momentous Night

Tonight was fun.

Not the MOST fun I've had recently, but something I needed.

I felt like a very old man though. I ended up at this party a younger friend of mine was throwing. I brought some cigars and a bottle of Maker's 46, a quite wonderful bourbon. I hadn't seen this friend for a good long while so it was nice to catch up and smoke a cigar with him. Later in the evening I ended up sitting by the pool with ANOTHER old friend and ANOTHER cigar, sipping my bourbon and chatting idly by...until SHE showed up.

She of course being my latest ex. I had only run into her once this summer, and we didn't even speak. She ended up coming over and sitting down with us and talking with us.

This after totally ignoring me previous times we had encountered each other.

I really had hoped to not have to deal with this at all this summer.

I wanted that part of my life to be past me, but then here it is walking right up and sitting down. I NEED to not let my self get dragged back into that hell-hole I was living in for the past 8 months. I have to not regress. I fought so fucking hard to get myself past her.

I had planned on spending the rest of my life with her. I was fully content to do whatever it would take to make her happy. All I wanted was for her to my "Star" as Neil Gaiman might put it. I wanted my fairytale ending. I thought I had found it.

No point in dwelling on it now I guess. I have work in the morning. Maybe I'll forget it all happened, maybe I'm still tipsy and just type type typing away. Though even if I DO forget it I have written proof it happened and will only remind myself...

Fuck

And now for something completely different

So I figured I'd change things up from my normal depressive self and try being funny!

Lets take a look at dogs shall we? In particular, lets look at the Corgi....they may or may not be the most adorable fucking things I've EVER seen...don't know what they look like? i'll save you

the trouble of Google searching it

Tell me you didn't just go "D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww...." at that...if you didn't, you're either not human or you need to see another...

Yup...if you didn't just gush a little you're probably a robot.

It's like someone took a husky puppy, mixed it with some kind of biological hot-dog bun....

(Did someone say me?)

And made it's legs adorably disproportionate....

You might even say that Corgis are the "Minions" of the dog world, just adorable little things that only want to make you happy.

All in all, one of the cutest fucking things ever.

That's it. I'm done.

Probably not all that funny, but hey! It's a try!

All images © of their respective owners, I claim no ownership over any images.

Some more Pointless rambling

Time for some more pointless rambling. I'm not entirely sure why I do this. Maybe it helps me in the long run. Maybe people actually read it. Who knows. My last post was pretty negative. I should probably apologize for that, to the people who may or may not actually care. I'm sorry. I was upset, I wasn't thinking, and I most assuredly am not THAT angry about it. It's just I really care a lot for her, and had been really hoping that things would actually work out with her. She's one of the few positive things that's happened to me since my ex. She's also one of the few chicks I can REALLY talk to, really open up to. I'm going to stick with it though, as her friend. If down the road she feels comfortable with dudes again and hasn't grown completely sick of me as most women seem to, then hey...maybe something can happen. At this point I'm reallllllly trying to not hope against hope that it will, because if nothing does it's going to suck. A lot. So I'm actually trying to be negative about it in a way. That's a good way to live right? Right? Yea that's got to be it. 0_0

I'ma be the best damn friend I can be. Unless she grows tired and finds all cool new friends at U of I, in which case I'll do what I'm second best at after waiting for people...Fade into the background and just disappear.

Boy that's a downer huh?

Sure is...

Blargyblagoblog

I don't even fucking know...there's no point in me typing this. No one reads it. No one cares. I guess it helps me a bit. Whatever.

This day pretty much blows. I worked a pointless shift. I sat at home and did nothing but watch movies by myself and paint figurines in my room. I'm pretty sure this is proof that I'm going to die alone. But I've known about that for a while now...whatever...fuck this noise.

Nothings happened with that Girl. Nothing probably will. Such is my luck.

Still have a shitty job.

Fuck Everything

Fuck this day

See Title. This day has fucking sucked.

I get to work after waking up late. Find that not only is my retarded Manager there, so is the FUCKING OWNER OF THE STORE.

This of course means that everything anyone does is wrong.

I end up scrubbing fucking walls.

I spend about an hour wrist deep in something I can only describe as "Sticky-tac mixed with a prolific amount of grease and left to sit in the sun for a day or two".

I got to scrape this out of a drain with a fucking chisel...

I'm so glad I work at a Subway.

The end.

3/31/2010

Well, this was certainly time well spent to create an account here. Blogging seems so strange to me. I highly doubt my life is so interesting that people would really want to read about me. But hey, maybe I'm wrong.

Lets see, last time I talked about what I do, some of what I like. Not much else. Totally over that relationship. Hindsight really is 20/20 you know? I see now so much of that situation that was really just bad for me, but hey. That shit's done with, and she's not going to find someone who will treat her better. But enough with that shit. Who cares? It's in the past.

I feel I may be to paranoid for my own good.

There's this girl. And things are going really well. Last night I wanted to just lay under the stars for no real reason and she totally joined me. We're not dating. She needs time after her last relationship, so I'm being the gentleman that I am and giving her that time. But it was really nice just laying there and talking with her. She's one of the coolest people I know.

But today, we haven't really talked as much as normal. And after logging onto AIM she logged off a minute or so later. I'm sure this is just coincidence, but I feel like I messed up somehow.

Bah. If I did, it's nothing new.

I just hope not...

UPDATE: Totally fine, just me being paranoid